- WHY DID I NEVER APPRECIATE THE SWEET SWEET JOY OF BREATHING THROUGH MY NOSE. Suddenly the act of breathing requires such vast effort that one hefty sniff results in you needing a nap. To avoid this, welcome to the mouth-breathers club: a place where no one is happy and everyone looks like fish and your mouth is so dry from sucking in air you feel like a broken hoover. Who knew your sinuses actually governed your state of happiness?! I miss the good old days when my nose felt empty and cavernous because now its claustrophobic up there and you can’t even blow cos there’s nothing to blow cos its just SWOLLEN AF.
- The only thing good about a cold/flu is that moment, that rare but magical moment when you stand up quickly, or roll over in bed, or even lean on your face a little bit when suddenly…..*click*……YOUR SINUSES UNBLOCK FOR A REASON KNOWN ONLY TO A HIGHER BEING AND YOU CAN SUDDENLY REMEMBER THE TASTE OF COOL FRESH AIR AND THE SMELL OF FREEDOM
- and then 0.8 seconds later you’re clogged up again like a shitty broken drain.
- You remember when your body could regulate temperature? Doesn’t that seem a long time ago? Hot to cold to sweating like you’re in a rainforest, to sweating but like a really cold clammy sweat and only on your feet, to being icy and smothering yourself in blankets and hot water bottles to warm again to the whole cycle beginning again.
- but also that’s just kind of Autumn problems anyway but not when you’re inside, that’s where you’re supposed to be safe.
- Feeling sorry for yourself like the sick child you are.
- Thinking you’re actually okay and doing something really wild like getting up to make food and then falling over in a heap and staying there til you die cos you weren’t okay
- Breathing. Cos that’s still a really big deal okay I’m not over mourning the loss yet
- The voice….. it may be sore and raspy and dry and like there are a million tiny needles in your throat and if you breathe in, idk in the wrong direction or with too much vigor you begin to cough a lung up……..but it sounds sexy so you’re totally fine with all that
- Day time tv….. it really is tripe but I’ve watched so much Say Yes to the Dress I want to go wedding dress shopping like right now cos I know that fishtail lace satin dress is totally unsuitable for my bodyshape but I think id suit a sweetheart neckline with nipped in waist and it doesnt matter that i dont have a fiance, I think I’m ready to wedding dress shop
- Online shopping cos I have nothing else to do but I’m also sick and not at work so I’m not earning any money but I’m okay with spending it more than usual on crap I don’t want or need
- Being realllllly hungry but as soon as you come to eat it, the sight of it makes you wanna vom and you end up perpetually starving and not hungry (not pregnant before someone makes a wiseass joke)
- remember breathing
- remember smelling stuff
- remember that funny thing called taste
- remember the good old days where your senses worked
- Idk bout you but my balance is WAY off, more than usual and the corners of my house hurt a lot
- Not caring what you look like and it being totally 100% fine… like, I haven’t changed my top in over 24 hours and my hair is worse than Grease 2 and who needs makeup when you can rock the grunge vibe solely with the pallid complexion and deep dark bags under your eyes. Its 2017, you do you
- You leave a Kleenex shrine behind you, wherever you may go
- Remembering reading it was gonna be a REALLY BAD flu season and planning when to have your flu jab cos I’m one of those vulnerable people like OAPs and toddlers who need extra help and then realising that the damn flu caught me with my pants down and beat me at my own pre-emptive game and kicked me hard in the chest before I could even plan on trying to plan not getting sick
- Screw the universe
- Feeling a constant source of guilt cos you’re not at work and had to call in sick but also relief that you’re not sneezing on paying customers or your colleagues and being happy to be lying down and able to close your eyes when you need to but also still feeling guilty but relieved all at once its all so confusing
- Being annoyed I wished autumn would arrive so I could be rid of summer so I basically brought this on myself
- Not being able to breathe.
I hope y’all don’t get this bloody flu cold sickness from hell cos it’s crippling and I haven’t even got man flu, I’m used to being bunged up and dribble-y cos I had bad hayfever all summer but man, this is intense. Keep scarves on and hydrated and prepare yourselves. The war has come and I’m fighting a losing battle. Gondor calls for aid.