THIS IS THE MONTH OF DISSERTATION HELL FIRE AND DAMNATION and it’s not the most pleasant thing. I have these top tips to help you get through the last week of it….and ya’ll lucky asses who have finished, well you can just reminisce

  1. Diet?! WHAT DIET. This is the time for constant junk food nibbling. You must graze constantly. You are an important herd animal and must be fed 24/7 by everyone who hasn’t got a dissertation. I have taken to eating sharing blocks of milky bar most days (WHO SHARES, NOT ME) and eating chocolate cake without even bothering to slice it. This is the way of the warrior.
  2. You need to wash your hair? No, it can wait. You must look your best for your computer UM NO ONE CARES IF YOU LOOK AWFUL, THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE the worse you look, the more people will admire you for being a hard core student so wear your greasy locks with pride.
  3. Clothing shmothing, you wear your pyjamas all day if you want to. My trick? Wake up, change pyjamas and continue the day and only re-change into your ‘bedtime’ pyjamas for evening.
  4. Partying? no. I am sorry but there is no time for a hangover or late nights (unless for crying about your work/life balance being non existent). Take this time to maybe drink wine on your own in your living room if you require. Enjoy not wearing heels or having to do your damn hair. BE FREE from the constraints of clubbing life, and embrace the joys of 10pm bedtimes because you just can’t be bothered to write those extra results down.
  5. Social life, hello, is it me your looking for? WELL YOU MISSED ME BECAUSE I HAVE NONE ANYMORE unless its a library date……ahhhh yes……library dates. These are your new friends, your only means of communication with that outside world that you so dearly miss. And what do you and your friends talk about while having lunch in the library, on your library date? Is it your plans for the summer when you’re free from university? No? Well is it your boy/girl troubles? No? Maybe your new clothes that you just bought? No? OH WAIT, ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS YOUR DISSERTATION WORD COUNT AND HOW MUCH YOU’VE SEEN YOUR SUPERVISOR AND HOW MUCH YOU DON’T WANT TO DO YOUR DISSERTATION ANYMORE because that’s all your life is anymore. You are not a person, you are a dissertation machine.
  6. Word counts. Lol. I am obsessed with those two words together, so much so that I actually just wrote ‘Lol’ in a serious context. What have I become, sweet world, forgive me.
  7. THAT TIME WHEN I LEFT MY MEMORY STICK IN THE LIBRARY AND MY PULMONARY ARTERY NEARLY IMPLODED? DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU. Always have friends around you in the library who are more dedicated and have a better work ethic than you because you can call them when you’re at home and they’re still diligently working and ask them to harass the person who sat down after you and held your (forgotten) memory stick hostage, the bastards.
  8. Remember the days before dissertation when you moaned about your 2000 word essays? I miss those days.
  9. You learn new ways to procrastinate but you think you’re still being productive….like, I don’t know, STARTING A BLOG OR SOMETHING
  10. The sweet sweet day when you hand your final hard copy into the office will be akin to the moment when Mulan becomes a man and bosses every task Captain Li Shang sets her and she beats all the other army men? I feel like I’ll be on top of that massive wooden pole and throwing the arrow down to him when I hand it in. I look forward to that.

Good luck little bunnies who are still tapping away at your computers, well done all you chipmunks who have already finished and thrown that arrow down…..and to all you little monkeys who aren’t in final year yet…….HEED MY WORDS


over and out


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