Facial Ware Hoes

Wacial hare foes

When you’re a girl and you’re not allowed to have facial hair because apparently through evolution somehow men still need it but women don’t even though we live in the same damn place mhm yep that makes sense

Oh you thought this was a post about hipster beards?


I am busting your preconceptions WIDE OPEN or blowing them away or that phrase people sometimes say


I am a pale person with naturally very dark hair. My eyebrows are naturally very black. Though they may often look on fleek (yes, I try), they are not naturally so damn perfect. IT TAKES TIME AND PAIN, try waxing your face guys, yeah, your face, hot wax, ripping hair…..who’s the stronger sex now eh

I have side burns. I can’t deny them. They creep up on me when I’m least expecting it and them BAM I’m at uni and suddenly I look in the mirror and I look like a werewolf. It just appeared. The 70s just smacked me on the cheeks and suddenly I have become a mutton chopped male. Brilliant. I can’t fix it at uni?! How long has it been like this without me even noticing?! HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED?! um… get me to a razor asap. Oh wait, as soon as I shave my DAMN SIDEBURNS I’m gonna dry my face out because its made of peach fuzz excluding my DAMN SIDEBURNS.

If moustaches are hipster, I’m a raging one. Hello random shadow ON MY LIP why are you there you serve zero purpose to my life other than being a pain in the ass. How do I get rid of you? Well I can’t shave you or else I’ll shave my lips off and cut my face open so nope, I’m too scared to wax you and TOO EMBARRASSED BUT WHY AM I EMBARRASSED BECAUSE I SHOULDN’T BE, ITS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT COLOURED HAIR ON MY ALREADY FULLY HAIR-COVERED FACE, WHY HAS SOCIETY CONDITIONED US THAT IT IS WRONG?! I AM GOING TO EMBRACE MY MOUSTACHE but no seriously I’ll just pluck it with tweezers and deal with the fact it literally makes me cry because its so sharp and sore but I want to be peachy again is that so much to ask cruel world why

Oh hey eyebrows, looking good today I see! *looks closer* HOLY HELL HOW LONG HAS THIS FOREST BEEN GROWING ON MY BROW, AND LOOK, A SECOND FOREST HAS SPROUTED NEXT TO IT OMG HELP yep that moment when suddenly your eyebrows go from being so sharp they could kill a bitch to looking like an old-man-slug on your face. Must bring tweezers with me at all times. Must fix stray hairs. My eyebrows are my life they must be perfect. University? WHAT UNIVERSITY, ALL THE WORLD WANTS FROM ME IS A SET OF PERFECT EYEBROWS AND I MUST PLUCK/WAX/PAINT THEM ON HOWEVER I CAN

I also get my hairline joining to my eyebrows because it wants to join the party. No invite…no entry. Leave.

The one bit of hair I WANT on my face? EYELASHESSSS full thick long eyelashes. But noOoOoOo, as new annoying hair sprouts all over my (fe)MALE face, the one kind of hair that society expects me to have long and luscious decides to fall out all the time, all in my eyes and whatnot ruining my vision and my style. Absolutely bloody typical.

AND FINALLY for anyone who knows me, you’ll know my PARTICULAR woe. My baby hair. Not sufficient to be like everyone elses baby hair and fairly endearing while being mildly annoying and fluffy, mine has decided to become a mini-fringe on ONLY THE LEFT HALF OF MY FACE. Hairdressers constantly comment on it, on-set hair designers always question whether I’ve cut it myself (no, why would I only cut half a damn fringe) and people always AWWW LOOOK at it but I ask myself why is it there….


the answer?


life is a baby-haired bitch.

end of story


*flicks tiny baby hair fringe and leaves*



2 thoughts on “facial hair woes

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