I always knew I had an issue but until today I didn’t quite realise the extent of my obsession. It’s easy to let it slide and then before you know it you’re smack bang in a massive hole of addiction. What am I talking about I hear you ask? What happened today that made me re-evaluate the level of control I have over my life?


I went to a petting zoo.


I’m not a fan of zoos as a principle because I want animals to be happy and free but I also want to see them so it’s hard for me to rationalise but when they’re well cared for and given big happy spaces then I can be okay with it.

I don’t even know if you were supposed to pay to get in to this place we found in (a town in southern ireland that I wont disclose incase I literally broke in oops), I barely stopped to breathe before I sprinted through the gates towards the little critters that should all come home with me. So the first pointer that maybe I should have seen was that I was by far the oldest visitor there. Now there were HUNDREDS (that’s actually probably accurate) of small children taking up the space I could have been exploring and of course they all had parents with them so technically I wasn’t THE oldest there but I was definitely the ‘oldest child’. At a ripe 21 years old, I beat all the other munchkins in that race.

I make everything a competition can you tell?

Firstly I saw some goats and sheeps and baby ones and some emus and rheas and two lil geese and then some wallabies and some more sheeps and goatses and then some chickens and PIGEONS but cute ones (I love pigeons, they’re just harmless walking stomachs that have absolutely no evil in them, just a lot of hot air and cute noises and silly walks) and then there were some donkeys and then some baby baby lambs and some horses and teeny horses and a peacock and THEN MY FAV WAS A COCKATOO CALLED CASPER! We bonded so much that he decided to GRAB my hands from inside his cage and sit on me. That was it, he just wanted to be close to me while I gave him a lil scratch. I’ve never properly touched a bird and it was actually magical…fluffy but soft and smooth and wow. Birds rule.

SO I’m getting distracted by the cute animals. I have to let you know that the universe punished me for being SO excited and maybe pushing children out of my way only a little bit so I could get to the animals. Only a little bit. Collateral damage. They must learn life is a bitch. And so am I.

ANYWAY I was so excited to see a baby goat that I was leaning over the fence to scratch its wee head (and nearly got attacked by an emu but totally would have been worth it). Well anyway, as I moved away from the fence, my arm was COVERED in varnish. It looked like the biggest horse had shat all over me. If I had have been a tiny person, like the target audience of the farm, I wouldn’t have been able to reach the varnish bit and would have been safe but NOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoo I had to be tall (lol only compared to toddlers) and get a brown arm. Worst of all? I thought I was fine because there was a sink nearby to wash your hands but would this varnish crap come off? NoOoOoOoOoOoO of course not. So now there looks like very clean but very determined crap all up my arm. Excellent. And it’s sticky as hell so I couldn’t hide it with my sleeve, I had to keep it rolled up. More embarrassment as I wondered round the farm. Looks like I just got too close to a pile of shite. Fab.

DIDN’T STOP ME CONTINUING TO CUDDLE THEM it just meant people avoided me mwaha, but as we left the farm I asked at the main desk if they had any baby wipes or anything and had to explain my issue. The girl found it most amusing. She gave me antibac and some kitchen roll….I scrubbed my arm til it was red. Only the gloopy sticky bits came off…..my arm was still brown. Marvellous. I gave up.


I am currently sat back in our apartment. I am going to go for a massage at the spa opposite. HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHY MY ARM LOOKS LIKE THERE IS FAECES ON IT TO THE MASSEUSE?!?!?! It’s a fancy spa and I have a sore back and need help but not I’m going to look like an absolute freak. I need to see if I can use makeup or something to make it look either like a birthmark or tattoo…..


all for the sake of cuddling some lil animals.



…….totally worth it.



2 thoughts on “when you realise you have a problem

  1. If you were to recognise that animals have many and varied purposes in life and that they are not there in fact for pawing and fawning (your mothers favourite expression from a few years ago) you would have only ketchup or gravy or brown sauce up and down your arm because you are very messy but you could easily wash it off. But no, you have to go about petting and cuddling and kissing (yes kissing, I know because I’ve seen you do it!) these beasts of purpose, work and burden. I think you have earned your brown arm and should wear it with pride!

    Liked by 1 person

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