There are many reasons why summer is fun and funky fresh and free but there are also MANY reasons why it is a tiny piece of British hell. I shall list my top 5 and if you disagree with me then you can go and sit in direct midday sunlight and burn your grumpy face as karma okay? Glad we’ve sorted that out.
- I have to shave my legs. Not like the Winter days where I had to shave my legs once every few weeks (if that mwaha) because leggings and tights and jeans were there for my protection and loving tenderness. BUT NOW?!?! OH WELL, THAT’S ANOTHER MATTER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. I now have to shave my foresty legs every week. EVERY single week. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT and I can’t get away with not doing it because its so hot I HAVE to wear short clothes (eyyy up lads) and because I have skin the colour of a ghost’s ass, and hair as black as night and magical shadowy creatures, it’s not a match made in heaven. And why is shaving a pain? Well, legs unfortunately have bumps and bones which are for cutting and you only notice when you feel a stingy itch and once you look down and see the shower has turned into the scene from Psycho. And all the shaving foam gets stuck in the razor and you have to rinse it but if you’re in the shower that means you need to keep the water running but that means you’re partially blinded and partially drowning holding a sharp piece of metal very close to your arteries. It is a match made in hell aka summer.
- Underwear. Goodness me, underwear. Bras are already the spawn of Satan, metal in my clothes to stop them whacking small people in the face and blackening their eyes….anyway suddenly bras and socks become LAYERS OF FIRE and make you x100 warmer because you have to wear another damn layer. Okay so socks are avoidable, sandals are here for a reason. Fine. Bras? Okay if you’re luckily endowed with smaller breasticles then this is your time to shine girls, you get them out and EMBRACE THE LACK OF BRA. Wear halter necks and strapless camis and be happy. Busty girls? I have decided to solely wear swimming costumes as tops this summer. Why? It removes the bra layer while still holding the girls in. You can’t see my sweat patches and if you can they’ll dry asap because its swimming costume magical fabric. The downside…. peeing. I’ve just realised this is perhaps the MOST fundamental issue in my plan. I will re-evaluate and get back to you with a better method. PS GUYS boxers must be a pain in the arse (literally) because you basically have to wear two pairs of shorts. I have no remedies but you have my sympathy.
- HAVING HAIR. This applies to males and females with hair below their ears/on their neck length. EVERYONE, GRAB THE SCRUNCHIES AND SHOVE IT UP. Sweaty necks are not worth it. Suns out buns up.
- Clothing in general. Boys, you have to cope with MINIMAL options and I’m sorry. Shorts and a tee…. maybe trainer socks and trainers (flipflops are only acceptable on a beach, and even then I may throw up on you because I despise flipflops….they are merely for swimming areas and that’s it.) Girls? Yeah we have LOADS of but if you have “too much” skin out then you’re a slut….UM I’M SORRY WHAT?!? Society stop being a little bitch, were hot and if I want to expose skin to try and get a precious breeze on it then I damn well will. Enough of this “dressing and asking for it” bollocks. If I dressed like a fireman, I’m not expecting you to set me on fire. DO ONE.
- Sunblock vs Burn. The eternal question. Do you risk it and risk the red burny pain followed by peely skin or do you pre-empt it all and live with being clammy and sticky and feeling yucky all day because sunblock feels gross? Health wise, always go for the sunblock. It’s not worth the risk but we’re 100% allowed to moan about sunblock. It clogs your pores and gives you spots if its sunny on consecutive days and it smells like sunblock (duh) and its sticky and tacky and I hate it.
BONUS PEEVE FOR GLASSES WEARERS:
6. HAVING TO SWAP BETWEEN PRESCRIPTION SUNGLASSES AND YOUR NORMAL GLASSES WHEN YOU WALK INTO ANYWHERE. ALSO HAVING TO BUY THE SUNGLASSES IN THE FIRST PLACE….CHEAPEST IS LIKE £40 SO SCREW YOU ALL WITH YOUR £1 FRAMES LOOKIN FLYYYY. WEARING CONTACTS AND NORMAL GLASSES CAN WORK BUT ITCHY SUMMER EYES MAKES THAT HELLISH TOO.
OMG THE ACTUAL WORST ONE EVERHOW DID I ALMOST FORGET..
I rest my case. I need not describe the torture of the sniffy noses, constant tears, scratchy throats, itchy bodies and headaches etc…..BECAUSE YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. ITS HELL. SUMMER IS HELL. SUMMER IS JUST TORTURE.
I miss the days of big boots, fluffy scarves, oversized snuggly jumpers, hot chocolates by the fire, lots of blankets and pillows……now everything is repulsive because it MAY make me warmer… ew no.
(As soon as winter arrives again, watch me moan about feeling perpetually hypothermic. There is no pleasing some people).
Peace out and stay safe in the sun my lil cherub muffins