This was my first time ever at Glasto. I’ve done lots of smaller scale festivals before so was like YEAH I’LL BE SWEET BRO but I had not expected to be staying in a temporary magical musical city with its foundations placed (not) firmly in a foot of mud. Unfortunately I got a stomach bug and a flu and every sort of disease I could…maybe syphilis and some leprosy too who knows.
I could not have got syphilis. I am not Henry VIII or a whore. I regret my choice of disease.
I change it to “smallpox”
*end of ammendment*
Anyway I thought I’d give you my top 5 tips/ things you should know for any future Glastonbury virgins who wanna lose their V cards to the big G
1. You thought you knew what mud was. You though it was just wet dirt. You thought it was a bit slippy and grubby but manageable. No. You were the most wrong thing ever. Glastonbury mud is a new entity entirely. It is alive. It sucks you into its brown vortex of hell and refuses to let you go until its stripped you of all your dignity and energy. It will pull you to your knees so youre stuck in the mud but not in the fun childhood game way because no one is here to crawl between your legs because youre lying, broken in the shitting mud. Then it dries a bit and you think youre safe? Then it rains again and turns the top of the already-wellie-high mud into lubricated evil while the underneath layers still want to dementor the fun from your life SO NOW YOU SLIP ON YOUR ASS AND THEN SLOWLY SINK INTO THE FIRST REALM OF HELL KNOWN AS EMBARRASSLAND.
2. If you decide you ever wanna climb a big ass mountain, go to Glasto as prep. The site is HAAUGE and when you have to get from the Acoustic Tent to The Park stage in under 10 minutes to see the next act you love… You’ll realise youre 1) unfit as hell 2) not usain bolt 3) you begin to to reevaluate whether you even like music anymore 4) you almost become a serial killer to anyone who walks in front of you 5) missing half the set seems acceptable in the end. ADD MUD TO THIS AND YOU CAN FORGET IT MATE. Its big. Ya get me fam? Its so big. My legs feel like I’ve run up Everest..
3. Accept the lack of any form of hygiene. Go with people you like enough that their lack of hygiene won’t bother you either. Best plan of all? Get a really bad cold and lose your sense of taste and smell and you won’t smell the pungent gag-inspiring longdrops or your own funky musk.
4. You realise you don’t need to worry about how you look or how you dance. There’s no room for self consciousness at Glasto because everyone is so free and happy you can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. Wanna dance like a twat? DO IT. Wanna eat only chips for 6 days? DO IT. Wanna wear 100 patterns at once? YEP. DO IT. Be free and easy
5. Expect at least 7 people to offer you drugs…I got offered a large quantity and one polite drug dealer wished me a lovely festival despite my instant refusal of any of his quality products. Yeah it’s tough going to Glasto when you hate drugs and cigarettes but at least the dealers come to you, are polite and leave you alone when you refuse. Classic British dealing.
Glastonbury was radical, the hippy sphere was legit my heaven and I’m so glad the original essence of the festival remains intact. Okay yeah the MILLIONS of people watching Coldplay and Adele might not have been in keeping with that but the sense of freedom and self-expression throughout all elements of the festival was refreshing.
So if you haven’t gone? Go.
Ta for now…I’m off to bathe my broken bones and sleep for a month