Okay so this is similar to why summer is shite but I am so hot I want to complain and since I have a blog..where better to do so but I’ll keep it short and grumpy

1. All clothes make me want to rip my skin off because no matter how “lightweight” that cotton dress is it still feels like the fires of Mount Doom against my skin.

2. I want to walk around and catch pokemon but if I walk anywhere I’ll catch heatstroke so I’ve missed Squirtle because three pawprints away was too far for a baked olive

3. Everything is so much effort man. Just no. Walking up the stairs to my bedroom? Basically hiking up a volcano that is currently active and spewing lava all over me. Send me your eagles Galadriel because I can’t even

4. My body shuts down. My brain has turned to jelly. Like more than normal. I am so bloated I look like a hippo with trapped wind but because its hot I gotta wear skimpy clothes so hello world everyone look at how solid and round my protruding stomach has become. Walk into me and my belly will literally knock you over because its suddenly made of steel. Not just my stomach oh no, my size 4 feet feel like a size 14 and my refusal to wear any other shoes than docs doesnt help but I’m a fashion victim and a sucker for comfort, sue me. I don’t know why the heat makes everything break. Stop it please. 

5. Makeup? Melted off hours ago. Hair? Frizzy in the humidity, fringe glued to my damp forehead, rest of it tied in a scraggly Miss Trunchball bun to give my neck some respite. Any ability to look attractive? Dead and buried. Try to touch me and you will join it. Everyone stay at least 2 feet away from me otherwise you’ll breathe hot air on me and get in my bubble of thinking-myself-cold and the punishment is severe. This is not the time for friends or being sociable..   if anyone needs me I will be at home in a nightdress with three fans aimed at my face TTFN

Hope none of you melt
Also remember your pets….if its too hot for you to put your hands on the floor then dont make them walk/go out in it. They’ve got fur too so they’re so screwed. Kinda makes me feel bad for moaning…. but not enough to make me ever stop.

Peace out


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