So I’ve had to start eating gluten again ready for my biopsy (I have to poison myself just so it’s on my record forever that gluten is poisonous to me…mhm great system). Anyway it’s reminded me of some things that are symptoms of coeliac disease that I forgot were connected to it…. I’m gonna list a couple here so those of you who think all coeliacs need to do is eat a bit less bread… (fyi gluten includes wheat, rye and barley…it’s everywhere from vinegars and soy sauce to fruit squash to some chocolate)

  1. tired all the time….like seriously tired. I guess it makes total sense considering basically all the nutrients you’re getting from food is being nuclear bombed by the little spaceships from your body attacking the little asteroids of gluten that have entered the galaxy called your gut. It’s hard to not become wholly malnourished when this little outer-space battle is going on… so it’s not surprising you get tired
  2. mouth ulcers oh my god my entire mouth is broken and split and stinging and sore and bleeding, UM OW eating hurts in every single way, from the mouth til the tum
  3. skin rashes?! so gross and random but my back, my elbows, my knuckles (!?!?!) and my face is just broken and sore and red and itchy and grotesque, I am repulsive and it isn’t my fault
  4. OBVIOUSLY the constant stomach noises. I have had these since I was 15 and my fellow pals called the frog that lived in my throat ‘Bert’ because he was such a loud guy and a constant companion. Now it’s more of a baby dinosaur but hey, we all gotta grow up don’t we. And hiccups. And stomach gurgles. Those too.
  5. Loss of appetite… its unsurprising considering everything youre eating is making you sick anyway so your body just says its done and forgets that you need to eat. The other day I only ate two rich tea biscuits and a cheesestring before I was going to go to bed and realised I was gonna DIE if this continued because lets be real, cheesestrings are sadly not the source of abundant nutrients we all dreamed they were. Plastic and biscuit cannot sustain a human, I have tried and ended up in hospital oops
  6.  It’s not like being on a diet where if you eat gluten one day, you can just skimp a bit the next day…. no no no. (current situation eating gluten aside) If you use a knife to cut some cake or bread and then use that knife on my gluten-free shitty bread, I will throw up. Maybe for a couple of days after if numerous gluteny crumbs get into my system. I have to even make my boyfriend drink and swill water after he’s eaten gluteny food before he is allowed to kiss me. It’s that sensitive. So going to cafes where they say “yeah this is GF” when actually its been sat all cosy with a cake and all the crumbs are all shared and crap…..then it’s not gluten free, i’ll still chunder.
  7. Fainting! Or just super light headedness all the time. So I’ve low blood pressure anyway as well as an underactive thyroid (hahahaha I’m broken yep I know don’t judge me, humour gets me through) so I’m a woozy chicken anyway BUT while eating gluten it makes you worse. I’ve had to start having cold showers because I keep almost keeling over mid shower and an unconscious hideously naked me is not a sight anyone would want to witness, thus cold showers stop this happening but also ARE AWFUL
  8. Going out for food is a chore, even with pals. You have to be the annoying one to say where to go because you have to know they have a good GF menu etc or you just don’t go. Takeaways are nearly impossible unless its chips or you just get plain boiled rice and live off the smell of everyone elses food. BORE, I’m sorry we’re killjoys but it’s not our fault.
  9. I’m trying to make my list up to a happy rounded 10 but I’m bored of moaning about coeliac so here’s a nice lil point number 9 to break things up. Did you know sea horse couples mate for life and hold tails when they travel
  10. There ain’t no tablets you can take, no cures in existence (yet I hope) and nothing you can do for this bloody life-long disease, other than try your damnedest to avoid gluten like it’s the plague. If you just cba to try and you eat normally, you’ll cut your life by numerous years, may not be able to have kids and will get other stuff like diabetes or maybe plague idk I’m not gonna go down that route so haven’t investigated it enough.

So there are some of the things us coeliacs, or as I like to call us, celariacs, have to deal with on a daily basis. When we’re totally gluten free we can almost pass as normal human beings, it’s great! Its just super hard to actually put into practice when gluten literally is in the air in some restaurants and cafes (don’t go inside a KFC guys, you could be sick into a happy meal or whatever they serve idk I’ve never been in^^^)

SO if we’re annoying for bailing on plans with you because we got glutened earlier that day and have to spend the evening curled in a ball, please forgive us. If we don’t come along to your favourite restaurant for dinner or ask to change venus, please don’t be annoyed. If we go to your house and accidentally eat a poison crumb and throw up, it wasn’t your cooking that did it, it was gluten so please don’t be offended. If we suddenly look like we’re pregnant, don’t ask us whats going on….we’re just so bloated we can barely move (OMG THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN MY LIST…..BLOATING LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE).

I’m not making excuses (but I am really) but forgive us please if you understand the disease a little bit more now


Peace out

O x

One thought on “hidden truths about coeliac disease

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